My Birthday Wish - Guilty!

It was my birthday this week, my co-workers filled my day with joy, blessing me with an incredible Michael fantasyland. Turning my cubicle in the land of beige cubicles into a Michael wonderland. It was a beautiful sight to see those who are not even MJ fans dancing down the isle singing Thriller. Smiling and nodding, commenting “Wow” "Cool" “Awesome” “Beautiful” “Amazing.”  Many talked about how incredible Michael was. This kind and thoughtful gesture, the fact that they cared about what was important to me and honored me with this gift on my birthday was a huge blessing for me at a time when I needed it most. They shared about how much fun they had putting it all together and uncharacteristically surprised me with hugs. It was simply amazing. MJ was literally everywhere as I toiled through my work day lifting me and all who came near. Michael’s magic was in the smiles and wonder on the faces of those who came to gaze. There is an unmistakable look you see on the face of those who truly love Michael. There is a softness in their eyes which stems from their heart and fills their face. That certain adoration and smile is unmistakable to others who love Michael. I saw that look on a new co-worker as she stood outside my cube and we immediately bonded. She shared how much she and her husband love MJ, how hard she cried when he died, how they were so incredibly excited for ‘This Is It’ at the O2, for Michael's come back even though they couldn’t afford to go. She fondly shared how her grandparents lived across the street from the Jackson family on Hayvenhurst when she was little during the Thriller era while Michael still lived there. How as an 8 year old she’d play out front and would see all the cars coming and going from the Jackson home. She remembered standing in the front yard one afternoon looking at all the comings and goings asking her mom, “Why are all those cars there, mommy? Who lives there?” and her mother’s quiet, respectful answer, “A VERY special, famous person honey, Michael Jackson. You don’t know who he is now but one day you will.” She shared how growing up she watched all of Michael’s videos and fell asleep to his music every night. Yes I teared up several times on my birthday at work. It was very difficult to concentrate on work as MJ LOVE surrounded me all day.

Let’s face it I am an oldster now, part of the Baby Boomer generation. AARP started mailing me my application 10 years ago now and I still haven’t filled out that dag-nabbet thang. Hee Hee I don’t feel old, I still feel like a kid some days and act like it many other days. Its not my cup of tea to celebrate my birthday now that the children are grown and gone and I am single. Instead I like to celebrate life all year long. I love to laugh and often treat myself to special precious moments, occasional items I want just because I deserve them, because they make me happy. Hee Hee My birth-day is a day I just simply like to forget but lately no one let’s me. To me its the day when I have to acknowledge the logged time on this earth which as it mounts in today’s work day world and today’s society is not always kind. Sometime... as Michael always said the word... leaving off the s. I just love that Michaelism. There were several he said that way but this is my fav.  So much so that now when I hear ‘sometimes’ it sounds incorrect, yet in all actuality it is incorrect, because you are usually talking about one time, not many. The English language is funny. So once again Michael is right... but I digress... 'Sometime' it seems the older you get the less you are needed. The less important you become. No matter how much I loved my mother I watched her experience this. Then like the beautiful woman she was I saw her rally with great altruistic volunteerism for the poor.

In the Michael Jackson world age does not matter. Our Peter Pan never wanted to grow old and sadly for the world his wish came true. LOVE for Michael spans all generations and just like Peter Pan will never grow old. I recently heard a friend talk about how there was a lovely lady, a 91 year old Michael Jackson fan sharing her huge heart of LOVE for Michael with some Jackson family members. Then right along side her clearly also showing his giant LOVE and admiration of Michael was a little 3 year old boy dressed just like Michael dancing his heart out doing Michael’s spins and everything. Michael’s LOVE knows no boundaries. Only Michael Jackson could bring the world together in this way.

Sometime as the fans gather at parties and events I look at them all with such wonderment and picture Frosty’s ‘Island of Misfit Toys.’ To me its fitting, people from all nationalities, religions, ages, every demographic, crossing all realms of society. Michael reached out to the suffering and broken, we identified with Michael’s pain long before we heard him talk about it in the now famous slurred tape recording the monster made after he had drugged him. A tape clearly marked for evil which only proved and revealed to the world Michael’s true heart of innocent, pure love for children as well as his deep hurt and pain. The MJ community is home to many who hurt. His music and LOVE for the world carried so many through difficult life situations, illnesses and debilitating loneliness and pain... still does. Some even say it saved their lives. How can that be? Simply because Michael put everything he was into his music. He gave his ‘everything.’ He was the music and as he has openly shared, the source of his music was God. God is LOVE. God is healing. So those notes, his voice, the words, the music still today are a living breathing legacy of Michael’s spiritual life on this planet. Still bringing life and healing for generations to come For All Time. His LOVE will NEVER stop, our LOVE for Michael will never stop, his LOVE lives on in us. We will never let go of our Minstrel of Peace and LOVE.

A beautiful interview of Michael by Geraldo Rivera during the trial of 2005. Michael was hurting so badly during this time yet his true character of LOVE and wisdom shone so bright. I love this  interview of Michael, please take a look. The full interview is in a series of 5 on You Tube.


As I look back over this last two and half years I have met a multitude of amazing people from all over the world, experienced beautiful LOVE and forged friendships I will treasure always. I could never have dreamed that the deep pain and grief I was inexplicably experiencing for someone I have never met would lead me to the beautiful, enriching friendships I now hold dear.

I have also seen and experienced the other side as well, the incredibly horrific and cruel fighting within the MJ community. I have wondered off and on if any of them have listened to Michael’s words and learned anything from him at all. I have seen incredible amounts of narcissism and self promotion using MJ’s name. Sometime I have even wondered why some of them state they are Michael Jackson fans because they clearly never understood what he was about.

After all the in-fighting, all the stress, all the tension of fighting for Justice each in our own way the long awaited verdict day arrived. For me it was one of the most stressful days of the last two and half years. The trial had been like reliving Michael’s death over and over again, ripping at my heart, pulling the scab off daily. I felt just plain raw and very vulnerable, pain oozing out of a broken heart again.  Every emotion imaginable running through me, bubbling over. I know I wasn’t alone. I had great faith that the monster would be found guilty but still the emotions boiled. I made several visits to Holly Terrace to pay respect to Michael and share that we were not giving up and JUSTICE was coming. I had fans approach me saying “What if he is found not guilty?” I refused to speak about that, refused to give it any power. For me I had prayed and given it to the Lord, thanked him in advance for a Guilty verdict. That would be the only out come I would consider. I shied away from anyone during the trial who wanted to discuss the possibility of the opposite. I stuck close to my faith filled praying friends. My faith would not be shaken. Unable to attend at the court house because of work I was just beside myself. I had fans texting me and calling me at work daily... then FINALLY... verdict day arrived... the verdict myself and so many others had prayed for was read... GUILTY! Conrad Murderer pronounced GUILTY in a court of law! We were all jubilant! I watched my computer screen at work as the fans at the courthouse cried, screamed, fainted, smiled, jumped up and down, laughed, sang, danced and drove by the court house honking. Finally JUSTICE!

Personally I became very quiet and introspective not sure what I was feeling. A co-worker came by saying, “I thought you’d be jumping up and down screaming for joy?” I too thought the same thing but I wasn’t. Instead after a loud whispered “GUILTY” I openly thanked the LORD then quietly turned inward. Definitely there was happiness and relief, just a feeling of drinking in the JUSTICE. Soaking in the wonderful sight of ‘Take No Crap’ Bailiff Deputy Jones slapping the cuffs on Conrad Murderer before he could even stand up. YES!! God bless Deputy Jones! I LOVE that man so much! Then seeing him being led away to jail. Only to hear moments later he was no longer in his slick documentary bought $uit, that he was immediately stripped of it and was now wearing a jail house orange jump suit. FINALLY on his way to be put behind bars where he long deserved to be. As I beheld him in cuffs being led away a satisfied elated smile started at my face and traveled to my toes as I pictured him in that ill fitting orange jump suit, short in the crotch and up to his calves and elbows since he is a giant excuse for a human being. This small embarrassment rendered on such a narcissistic monster brought much satisfaction picturing him stripped of ‘things’ that were more important to him than the life of Michael Jackson.



Upstairs in the courthouse Steve Cooley held a press conference to try to claim victory and credit as if he was the one personally responsible for the guilty verdict. I laughed out loud later as I watched on TV seeing that La Toya’s leaving the court house and speaking to the press interrupted and bumped him from the screen. It was hilarious! Yes, Steve Cooley, the family of Michael Jackson IS far more important than you! All the while David Walgren who fought hard for Michael, who showed the heart of a Lion of LOVE appalled by the injustice, the atrocity of what was done to Michael stood silently by Cooley waiting patiently to say his peace. I just love that man. David Walgren our hero. There were many heroes for us MJ Fans during the trial. David Walgren a mighty warrior in Michael’s Army of Soldiers of LOVE, Deborah Brazil a strong pillar for truth “And when you refer to your instrument...”, Dr. Alon Steinberg blew the truth right out of the darkness into the light, Dr. Steven Shafer slammed the truth out of the park and put the golden seal on it. I LOVE each of them and will feel eternally grateful to all of them for publicly speaking the truth that tens of thousands of MJ fans have been sharing for over two years. Verdict Day was a great day of Good conquering Evil!

Yet there is so little justice, like table scraps we all scurry, grasping for any minuscule justice we can get. Finally ‘some’ JUSTICE for Michael. We’ll take whatever we can get. Did they count on that? Yet still now I revel at the word GUILTY. That word will forever have a different joyous meaning for me. Yet there was a nagging feeling I couldn’t shake, pressing at my heart, echoing inside, the emptiness, the silence... getting louder. Still there.. nothing had really changed... still there. The same silence that clanged like a giant door slamming shut when the light of Michael Jackson’s life left this earth. Yes there it was STILL. Although I felt Michael was there on Verdict Day, both outside and inside the courthouse many, many times all the way back to the first Airport Courthouse Arraignment of Conrat Murderer, still that feeling of silence was ever present. Nothing... nothing we ever do will bring back Michael. He is gone.... forever. There is NO JUSTICE in this tragedy. The reality is nothing will ever bring back Michael. Further true justice will only be served up by God himself for all those responsible for the death of Michael Jackson. Clearly that process of killing Michael started over 10 years ago when those that wanted what Michael had plotted and schemed to steal it from him by using vile accusations and lies to tear his spirit and heart apart. For Michel truly died of a broken heart.

Excerpt from a story about Angelica Huston who starred with him in Captain EO:

(unsure of the source)

Conrad Murray is not the first nor the last person to be privy to Michael Jackson's dream for children. In an article by Italian journalist Silvia Bizio, Anjelica Huston who played opposite Jackson in the Captain EO film for Disney, accidentally ran into Michael Jackson about a month before he died. They hugged, hunkered down in a room together and caught up on each others' lives. 

Huston remembered Michael as being tender and fragile, having trouble mustering up enough anger to carry out his role as Captain EO with a spaceship crew who sings 'We are here to change the world.' She said it was as if anger didn't live in his DNA. He needed her there, in costume and sneering her lines to play off her villainous character. Huston said he seemed even more fragile especially emotionally, during their brief encounter. She put her arms around him; she says:

"We talked about how he had felt humiliated by the accusation of sexual harassment and about the sorrow for the loss of Neverland, where he had lived many years. I remember his words: 'They ruined my dream. I had this dream, perhaps childish and foolish, a place designed to celebrate the innocence of that childhood that I never had, and they took it from me. I love children, I could never do them harm. I spent all my life loving them and trying to do good things for them. The libel of harming a child--that breaks my heart. It is an unbearable pain, those accusations are unjust and terrible...' As he said these things, he began to cry. I held him in my arms...He was so skinny and frail."
Jackson told her he was preparing for the London concerts. She remembers: 

"He was training hard because he would have 'no more hope to be loved back again.' He wanted to be let back in to the hearts of the public after his public lynching for something he said he didn't do and a jury of his peers agreed with. Huston goes on: "he was thin and pale; I could feel so much pain in him for the past and a lot of anxiety and uncertainty for the future."

When asked by Bizio, "What do you think really killed Michael Jackson?' Anjelica Huston didn't hesitate: "Michael had a broken heart. For this he died. The truth is that they broke his heart."
~~~~~~~~~~

The sentencing of Conrat Murderer will be Nov. 29th. I am holding on to hope, praying that Judge Pastor will hand him the full sentence. Clearly now the whole world has seen and understands the atrocity done to Michael. Yes I’m now holding my breath and praying Judge Pastor will remain strong in his conviction of CM and sentence him to the full 4 years. Wait 4 years? YUP! Is this a joke? GUILTY of killing the King of Pop! A murdering sociopath with no conscience and the maximum sentence is 4 years? We all knew this outcome yet we fought for Michael. All the MJ fans from around the world pleaded for a second degree murder charge to no avail. Those in charge said they didn’t want to risk a higher charge taking a chance that a jury would allow him to walk. In court when the truth was exposed many were appalled asking, “Why wasn’t this charged as second degree murder?” I was told by a well meaning person at work, that I wanted to punch, “The real punishment is that he has lost his medical license.” Really? That for me is little consolation, yet still I muster joy about this too. That is until I learn after a certain amount of time he can gain back his medical license. What? The reality is as of this date only two states have cared enough about the safety of the public to revoke his medical license. He could move to Hawaii and practice there in four years. Wow is that a punishment or a reward for a job well done? This is what we fought for? This is what our hero David Walgren so valiantly fought for? My brain, my heart simply can’t accept this. All who know me know although I revel in the GUILTY verdict, I simply can’t accept this. I stood proudly in front of that court house arm in arm with many of Michael’s Soldiers of LOVE as Michael’s voice, yelling “JUSTICE for Michael Jackson!!!” “Conrad Murderer!!!” I stood at the Michael Jackson Hollywood Star hours on end handing out fliers with many other Soldiers of LOVE in an attempt to teach the public the truth about Michael’s death. I held prayer vigils, started a Michael Prayer Warrior page. I would not stop or be swayed, I had a mission. Yes the mission is accomplished, success has been achieved!  Then why am I feeling so defeated? So empty?

Very Funny but soooo true. This MJ fan says it best:


I am a long time resident of California. I wish I could say I am proud of the justice system in California but I have seen how those in charge work... at the top $teve Cooley and Jerry $ Brown. Truthfully and blatantly there will NEVER be true justice for Michael Jackson. To me its not a coincidence that a new law was put into place by Jerry Brown who has been known to take campaign contributions from the owner of AEG, Philip Anschutz. The timing of this new law regarding incarceration of convicts just as Conrad Murderer approaches the end of his trial for the homicide of Michael Jackson is no coincidence. It is also no coincidence that $teve Cooley the District Attorney of Los Angeles worked with hateful, bigoted Tom Sneddon during his vindictive, racially motived attack of Michael during the trial in 2005 while he wrongly attempted to convict, publicly bullied and humiliated Michael Jackson working as no better than a Klu Klux Klan lynch mob when raiding and vandalizing Michael’s precious home like the Gestapo, and then handcuffing MJ and dragging him off to jail all before the eyes of whole world. The same $teve Cooley who worked with Tom $neddon to persecute Michael Jackson on a world wide basis is the same one who stepped in about two years ago after the coroner’s office declared Michael’s death a homicide and intervened on Murray's behalf just as the L.A.P.D was ready to go arrest him and take him away in hand cuffs. Yes it was $teve Cooley who literally stopped the arrest of Conrad Murderer for killing Michael Jackson. That’s right it was $teve Cooley who said, “No Cuffs” for Conrad Murderer AND “No Arrest” accommodating him instead to take his time and stroll in freely on his own at his leisure. Absolutely no public show of justice for a dead human being let alone the most famous person on the planet. To use Chernoff’s ridiculous closing statement, “If it were anyone else but Michael Jackson...” Conrad Murderer would have been jailed for life long ago. Yes it was $teve Cooley who arranged for Conrad Murderer to walk a free man until 11-7-11 when a jury of everyday citizens finally spoke up for JUSTICE for Michael Jackson. 

There is a scripture in the Bible that speaks of being in the world but not of the world and every time I think of the injustice done to Michael Jackson while he was alive on this earth and now still after his death this verse comes to mind.

John 15:19 “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.”

Yes there are no coincidences. God is in control. The evil rule this planet and Michael was chosen by God to be an Angel of LOVE in a cruel and evil world. He was too good for this evil world. He with stood so much torment and persecution in his lifetime. It was pointed out recently in a wonderful group I belong to that even the burn on Michael’s head represented the calling that the Lord placed on Michael’s life. A human being chosen for a heavenly calling even as a child and at about the same age as Christ was called into ministry on this earth Michael suffered the horrific burn that changed his life forever. Much like a crown of thorns. He strove to live a good life committed to doing what God would have him do but he was human. Just like all of us he had his frailties, fears and insecurities only for Michael they were played out on global stage. Only Jesus is perfect and that is who he looked to for his inspiration and strength.

Life can be hard. There are lessons. I know the feeling of just not wanting to feel anymore, to just sleep, as I am a recovered alcoholic and drug addict of over 30 years now. I didn't drink just because it was fun and made me feel good, underlying my drinking and drugging was sheer utter PAIN and need to escape the pain. I have walked through many things in life stumbling blindly along, praying for God to help me through, even in sobriety, wondering why I have had to experience certain things in my life. My greatest lesson in life was learning to embrace the pain. Learning I was ‘allowed’ by God to experience some of my most painful moments in life simply because God wanted me to grow and learn certain lessons. Whether it was to learn to be humble, or to share how I overcame the pain and life lessons to help others, to pray more, or just to learn to patiently wait on the Lord and trust. I can’t say I have ever really learned well or mastered any of these things. The last lesson of patiently waiting is definitely not one of my strong suits. I have gotten myself into more jams simply because I leap out before the Lord, opened my big mouth and said something stupid or hurtful or jumped into things before praying for direction. God the loving father that he is always shows up in the 11th hour and saves me from my own stupidity turning the seemingly bad into his perfect will... if I am only willing to surrender. No matter what though there is always a lesson. Michael’s life taught us all by example to reach to God for inspiration in all that we do and to always give God credit for he is our source just as he was Michael’s source and all things flow from our creator. Michael’s flow was just much more massive than the regular person’s.

Michael’s life and death taught me I know nothing. Michael’s life and all that he gave this world and all that was done to him and continues to be done to him just ingrains the lesson for me “Don’t Judge.” You must step back and test the spirits in others. I won’t allow evil to enter and control my life. I won’t allow others to walk all over me. God gave us brains to use and we must be careful who we allow into our lives for God wants us to live in peace, harmony and LOVE free from chaos and strife. I am talking about judging others by the color of their skin, their religious beliefs, how they look or the clothes they wear, their weight, or how they speak, the amount of money in their pocket, who they love, where they live. I continue to learn this lesson over and over and over. I wonder sometime if I will ever learn it properly. I have wondered what is it in humans that doesn’t allow us to see the soul and heart of a person before we draw conclusions about them, or why since we are all made from the dust of the earth and it is dust we shall return to, why humans think one would be superior over the other. Michael Jackson instinctively LOVED, instinctively knew there was no difference and it didn’t matter if you were black or white, adult or child, a security guard or a world class performer. He touched the planet with his unconditional love and taught the world what LOVE was about. It is ALL about LOVE... L.O.V.E.

On verdict day I saw the miracle of LOVE that first brought MJ fans together after his death emerge once again. A huge majority of MJ fans who had fought and battled over the last two years came together in forgiveness and love at the court house on the first day of the trial. This wonderful spirit of unity carried on all throughout the trial. Then on verdict day and afterwards at verdict parties there was once again a giant out pouring of unconditional love, hugs and camaraderie just as there had been when we were all drawn together at Holly Terrace bearing our grief over the death of Michael Jackson.

His LOVE first brought us all together, JUSTICE for MICHAEL sent us spiraling but kept us going and finally JUSTICE served brought us back together again in gratitude, jubilation and VICTORY for Michael. Again God showed himself strong mending hearts for his honor and glory. LOVE prevailed in the MJ fan community, many prayers were answered for unity, peace and love. God restored JUSTICE, LOVE and Victory for Michael Jackson, his family and his fans around the world on 11-7-11.

♥ We LOVE you Michael! ♥ We will be missing you For All Time. ♥ 
 ♥ Thank you for all you gave. ♥ RIP Michael ♥



Michael, When we say we LOVE you it's For All Time. RIP Michael.
Video by Robyn Starkand  ♥